April 29, 2010

Simple question

I was standing at the sink, washing my hands, in a public restroom. In the mirror, behind my own reflection, I noticed woman wearing a bright red jacket and a nametag that indicated that she was at the same conference as me. She was in a wheelchair.

What caught my attention was that she had paused at the open door to the large stall on the end. I could tell she was having some sort of difficulty, but I couldn’t figure out what the problem was. As I dried my hands, I tried to figure out how I could help. But I was seized with uncharacteristic shyness. I wanted to see what the problem was, but I didn’t want to stare at her. I wanted to help, but I didn’t want to assume that she needed my help. I had good intentions but was seized by the worry that I might do something offensive out of my own ignorance.

Just then a young woman, about the age of my daughter, stepped away from the same set of sinks. She walked over to the woman in the wheelchair, looked at her without hesitation, and said, “What can I do to help?”

“This stall is the only one I can get into, and there’s no toilet paper left,” the woman in the red jacket said. “Can you get me some?”

The young woman ducked into a stall, handed out the toilet paper, smiled again, and went on her way.

10 comments:

Ianqui said...

I can understand your hesitation. And it's a little curious that the woman didn't ask for someone's help, under the circumstances. It's not too different than already having used the toilet in a public stall, realizing you need paper, and asking the person next to you to hand some under.

holly said...

i love this blog. i would have hesitated to. then, i would have somehow offended her despite my good intentions. this woman handled it perfectly. i must learn from other people to avoid these kinds of mistakes.

Inside the Philosophy Factory said...

I had a similar quandary until a handicapped person told me to just ask what I can do to help... it saves them from having to ask some random person and it avoids trying to "help" in a way that isn't meeting the needs of the person.

Anonymous said...

As someone who works in the special education field and has a number of friends with a range of disabilties, a simple, friendly offer to help is ALWAYS the best thing to do. Just be sure to respect a decline if it is given. I talked to a close friend who is a paraplegic about this once and he said he loves it when someone extends a friendly offer to help and is perfectly fine if he says, "No thanks- I got it!"

Jennifer (ponderosa) said...

I work with a guy whose arms end at his elbows. I mean, his hands are elbow-length from his body. He's an incredibly smart man with a genius for programming, but he's also defensive and cranky. He and I worked closely on a project long ago and have gotten to be good friends. Anyway, once I went to a buffet lunch with him, he and I were standing next to each other and talking, and still a couple people came up to him and whispered, Can I help? He gave them a very kind smile and said that he could handle it. I was surprised because it never occurred to me that he couldn't handle it, he's so competent; and I was surprised that even though he and I were clearly together, people asked if he needed help. As if he wouldn't have asked me for assistance, if he needed it...

Anyway. That was a rambling comment!

YourFireAnt said...

Parzival's dilemma. Bring this story to class.

T.

Tie-Dye Brother-in-law said...

One time I was in the supermarket, and saw a guy with no hands (he had those hook things that separate so you can use them as pincers to pick something up or to hook things) trying to pick up a case of soda, so I went up to him and asked if he needed a hand. He said "No thanks, I've got it", so I moved on, but for the next hour I was mentally kicking myself for my choice of phrasing.

nieds said...

I just finished reading this post as part of Blogging Against Disablism Day that ties in so well with your post and tye-dye brother in law's comment:

http://disabledfeminists.com/2010/05/01/blogging-against-disablism-day-2010-do-you-need-assistance/

jo(e) said...

Thanks for the link, nieds.

Jody said...

I would have hesitated, too.

How reassuring to know that there are people out there who can lead me past my hesitations.