February 04, 2008

That naked blogger

Rooming with a poet can be tricky. Poets spend way too much time obsessing over words. My roommate at this conference, Often Erotic Sometimes Blogging Friend, kept complaining about the pseudonym I'd given her. "It's confusing," she said. "Am I only SOMETIMES your friend? And what's with the word often? I like to think I'm ALWAYS erotic."

Of course, the advantage of rooming with a poet is that those creative types will do anything for art.

Fire Ant, which is the pseudonym my roommate uses on her blog, was busy writing a blog post on my laptop computer when I decided that it was time to inform her that she had to pose naked for my blog. She didn't really have a choice. My blog is, after all, the number five hit for the google search "photos of naked middle-aged women." I have a reputation to uphold. (Readers who want to know the history of this tradition can check it out here and here and here and here.) She reads my blog, so surely she knew what she was in for when she agreed to share a room with me.

I announced, without preamble, "I need to take a naked photo of you. For my blog."

She didn't hesitate. Without even looking away from the screen, she stripped her shirt off, flung it onto the floor, and kept on typing. "Let me just proofread this, and I'll take off my pants."

The room we shared was something leftover from the seventies, complete with mood lighting, funky furniture, and a weird pattern on the carpeting. The little table near the window looked just like the pedestals I'd seen the day before in the Museum With Statues of Naked Folks. "Hey, climb up on that pedestal," I said, inspired. "We can take a classic shot! A silhouette in the window."

Fire Ant stopped typing. "I'm too tall. My head will be higher than the window, and the silhoutte will be headless."

"But you could be a Greek Goddess."

The blue light from the computer screen glowed in her eyes. "I could be ... Aphrodite."

Of course, she couldn't resist. I grabbed my camera, and she hopped up on the pedestal. Or at least, she tried too. It turns out the fancy flimsy pedestal was not meant to hold any kind of goddess. Fire Ant screamed, grabbed the curtains, and came tumbling down, which completely ruined the shot and possibly the curtain rod.

As I stepped back to look for other possibilities, she sat back down to continue writing. That's when it occurred to me that I should just take a photo of her writing a blog post. I mean, who needs to be Aphrodite when you can pose as That Naked Blogger? It's the perfect new pseudonym.

"Just keep typing," I said, picking up my camera.

That Naked Blogger looked over her screen at the office building across the way. We'd both been fascinated at how we were able to look right into the offices, seeing every detail in each room. By the third day of the conference, we felt a kinship with the guy in the corner office, who came to work so promptly, and the two guys in the narrow office, who both seemed to spend most of their time on the telephone.

"This is ridiculous," she said. "Here I am, stark naked, and not one of them office workers have so much as looked up. What's up with that?"

That naked blogger

29 comments:

KathyR said...

You know, this really called for a video post.

Pilgrim/Heretic said...

"Let me just proofread this, and I'll take off my pants" has to be the best sentence I've read this year.

Nadine said...

I just hope she's wearing panties while she sits on that hotel chair.

YourFireAnt said...

I was never there.

FireAnt

p.s. and just so you know, it's not middle-aged women; it's women of a certain age.

WOACA

jo(e) said...

Nadine: Panties? Women of a certain age do not bother with panties.

angelfeet said...

Thank goodness it's not reflectoporn! I wonder if those guys in the office are used to looking up and seeing Naked Bloggers.

liz said...

The office rats definitely should be kicking themselves.

Mary Stebbins Taitt said...

I wish I looked that good naked.

Mary Stebbins Taitt said...

Glad she didn't get hurt.

Gawdess said...

I had the same thought about sitting on the chair.
I love the golden light bathing the WOACA blogger.

zirafa said...

a goddess is a goddess is a goddess or a goddess of any other era would be as sweet.

Cathy said...

I, too, thought of wearing something while sitting in the chair.. or at least have a towel underneath where the sun doesn't shine.

Motel surfaces have probably touched too many other naked bodies for my naked body to touch it. just sayin'

kathy a. said...

literary reference re sitting on stuff not-your-own: naked, by david sedaris [name of the essay, and also of the collection of essays]. who knew that nudist colonies had rules like that?

as a WOACA myself, i object to the word "panties" on the ground that underwear is underwear, and "panties" has always struck me as a garish word, completely loaded with cultural expectations that my underwear will never meet.

fire ant, you are a brave woman! glad you got out without curtain rod charges, or serious bodily injury.

susan said...

I think I've stayed in that hotel before!

jo(e) said...

Susan: The CCCC was held there in 2003 ....

jo(e) said...

kathy a: See, I see underwear as a more general term that includes bras, panties, men's boxer shorts, and what my roommate kept calling longjohns. I like the word panties because it conjures up a more specific image. And it's a powerful word. I just have to say it, and my teenage boys react in horror and run from the room. Apparently, they prefer not to even think about what their Mom might be wearing under her jeans.

kathy a. said...

jo(e), i'm having a serious bout of giggles, knowing the power that even a mention of mom's undergarments wields over boys of a certain age.

billie said...

This is a great shot... love the light and new acronym WOACA... very cool. BUt you gotta know, Jo(e), I'm so afraid to meet you in real life. Or, I need to lose about 3000 pounds and get a butt lift.

kathy a. said...

and yeah, i'm with billie about fear of meeting jo(e). there are about 4 square inches of my skin that are ready for le naked photo [inner right forearm, if you must know], leaving several million other square inches to cower and beg for mercy. what ever happened to the shadow shots?

concretegodmother said...

go, FireAnt! and go jo(e)! and you both do it with such panache and flair and humor! delightful!

Sue said...

Perfect shot. The office gnomes missed out.

Yankee T said...

I love you to death, jo(e), but you'd have to hog-tie me to get me to take my shirt off for your blog.
Let alone my u-trousers.
Of course, a naked, hog-tied blogger might be what you're just dyin' for.

Songbird said...

Ah, the freedom of the academy!

landismom said...

Let me jump, right now, on the bandwagon of bloggers who are terrified of meeting you in real life:)

Great story.

Jenevieve said...

Remind me, Jo(e), that if you ever come to Scotland I will totally pose naked for your blog.

julieunplugged said...

Ditto best sentence this year so far:

"Let me just proofread this, and I'll take off my pants"

LOL

And I'm fearless. Come to the 'Nati to meet me!

P.S. Loved your art museum photos.

jo(e) said...

Jen: I will totally take you up on that next time I'm in Scotland.

Julie: ArtistFriend lives in your part of the country, so I am sure I will be coming to visit at some time or the other ....

Carlo said...

Good Job! :)

seethroughfaith said...

lovely story
loved the photo of you Jo(e) the flying hair looks so liberated and free!