February 17, 2005

Pirate costume in less than fifteen minutes ...

So last night as I am putting With-a-Why to bed, he suddenly remembers that he needs a costume for school the next day. He's doing an oral report and he needs to dress like a pirate. After explaining that he should have told me sooner and I am NEVER EVER going to help him with a last minute effort like this again, I give in and help him make a costume. Spouse and Boy-in-Black, cleaning the kitchen, add their unhelpful advice.

Here is the scene:

Me(working fast): Find that weird black hat. Get some black pants, and I'll get you a blousy white shirt. Then we'll pin this silky red cloth to your shoulder.
Boy-in-Black: Mom, no matter what costume you make, it's always the same outfit.
Me: What are you talking about? I'm great at costumes.
Boy-in-Black: That's the outfit I wore as Napoleon.
Boy-in-Black: No matter who the character is, you dress us ... like some kind of bullfighter.
Me: You got any better ideas?
Shaggy Hair Boy: It's the outfit I wore as Benedict Arnold.
Boy-in-Black: Kind of a cross between a bullfighter and the waiter in a fancy Italian restaurant.
Me: So long as you look like you have some kind of costume on. It's the general effect that counts.
With-a-Why: This hat is too big. I can't see anything.
Shaggy Hair Boy: Been. A. Dick. Arnold. I love that name.
Boy-in-Black (looking closer at the red silky cloth): WHAT THE .... Mom, you can't let him wear that.
Me: Don't be ridiculous. A sash of red makes the whole costume.
Spouse: Is that lingerie you are hanging on his shoulder?
Me: It's red silk! It's a nice touch!
Boy-in-Black: Ew. That. Is. Just. Wrong.
Me: I need a safety pin. Where are the safety pins?
Boy-in-Black: Let me find some OTHER red cloth.
Spouse (looking closer): I carefully washed this by hand and you are making it part of a pirate costume?
Me: I WILL GIVE A MILLION DOLLARS TO ANYONE WHO FINDS ME A SAFETY PIN!
Spouse: Use a diaper pin.
Me: A DIAPER PIN? WE DON'T HAVE ANY KIDS IN DIAPERS! HAVEN'T YOU NOTICED? WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CHANGED A DIAPER?
Spouse: Well, I just thought there might be some still lying around.
Boy-in-Black: A red pillowcase, maybe. Anything. Anything. At. All.

Me: (dialing the phone) NONE OF YOU ARE ANY HELP. I AM GOING TO CALL DAUGHTER.
Daughter: Hey!
Me: Do you know where I could find a safety pin in this house?
Daughter: (laughing) You called to ask me that?
Me: You are my only hope
Daughter: Try looking in the sewing kit.
Me: Great idea.
Me: Uh ... where is the sewing kit?
Daughter: (laughing) In the hall closet.
Daughter (in an aside to college roommate): My Mom called me to ask where she could find a safety pin.
Me (rummaging through sewing kit): WE HAVE NO SAFETY PINS!
Daughter: What is it you are doing?
Daughter (aside to roommate): They are lost without me.
Me: I'm making a costume for With-a-Why.
Daughter: Oh, let me guess. Black pants, white shirt, some kind of red hanging from the shoulder.
Me: Yes! How did you know? He's a pirate.
Daughter: You could add some gold jewelry.

Me (to at-home family): We need some pirate jewelry.
Spouse: Don't look at me. I don't wear jewelry.
With-a-Why: I can't see with this hat on.
Spouse: I'm cleaning the kitchen. The costume is your project.
Me: Hey, Boy-in-Black, how about all those medals you've gotten for academic awards? They look like pirate medals, don't they?
Boy-in-Black: Yes, many a pirate got an award for chemistry or math.
Me: NO ONE IS GOING TO READ THEM! IT'S CLOSE ENOUGH!
With-a-Why: Are we almost done?
Me (to Boy-in-Black): YOU wore medals pinned to your shoulder when you wore this costume.
Boy-in-Black: That's because I was being Napoleon.
Me: STOP DRUMMING SO LOUD!
Boy-in-Black: But I've got a drum lesson tomorrow so I REALLY need to practice.
Shaggy Hair Boy: You owe me a million dollars.
With-a-Why: Can I take this hat off now?

12 comments:

Dr. H said...

LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE this!!!

Here's my favorite line, "Yes, many a pirate got an award for chemistry or math."

I want to live in your house. :) Or, I mean, create a family that's fun like your house. Where are my babies? Not born yet... awww...

Thanks for writing this.

PPB said...

I should never have read this blog at work. I was laughing out loud. very. loudly. Caused a mild disturbance. I want to move into your house, too. And I'm just a little curious as to what kind of red lingerie went to school pinned to son's shoulder?

Pilgrim/Heretic said...

Oh, Jo(e), I've been lurking and treasuring your blog for weeks now, but this post made me fall out of my chair... and lie on the floor for several minutes gasping and wiping tears of laughter out of my eyes... You have to be the best mom EVER.

Cut-Rate Parasite said...

Very, very funny stuff. Just one critique from someone who was a pirate for Halloween. Why is it that everyone who helps you with a pirate costume assumes that all pirates wear billowy shirt? The deckhands wear much cooler clothes. No ruffles. Maybe a vest. And definitely no red, lacy thong, or whatever it was, on the shoulder. But I applaud your efforts, really.

Musey_Me said...

VERY funny story.

New Kid on the Hallway said...

I'm with everyone else! Who already said what I would have said: LOVE the "many a pirate got an award for chemistry or math" line; am sitting here in my office laughing aloud as everyone decides that for sure I'm insane. But LOVE the post. Thank you for the laugh!

Dr. Crazy said...

Ok, apparently there are people all across the land laughing in their offices like maniacs, because I've got to agree with everyone - hilarious! I think I lost it with the suggestion to use a diaper pin as a safety pin. Or maybe earlier. Hard to know. Too, too funny!

Scrivener said...

Hi-larious!

I so wish that I could write dialog like you do. Maybe when the kids get older, they'll provide me with material like yours do, but will I ever be able to capture it like this? Oh, I hope so.

brina said...

this is great. thanks :)

bitchphd said...

Can I please be you when I grow up? Can I have 4 kids? Even though I'm probably pushing the boundary of my fertility now and still only have the one? Please?

Psycho Kitty said...

OMG, good thing I'm alone at home! I, too, liked the medals, but my favorite really is the lingerie. Lord.

j.tonic said...

I can't stop laughing about this. This post is the best "conversation" I have read on a blog to date. I love that Daughter knew what the costume was. Very funny, I too am sorry that I read it at work. I had to stiffle my laugh. I was rolling on the inside.